cATHEAD'S cRANKY wORLD

" Come on Cathead, stop chewing that grass" Keeper barked from the other end of the fully stretched 'lastic leash. He gave the cat tether a good old yank and BOING, I nearly left the ground, dragged back by my blue leather collar, my mouth still gripping a clump of my free range treat. Oh and of course we mustn't forget, tinkle tinkle tinkle must we.

That wasn't grass I was savouring Mr Keeper, I proudly thought as I paraded along beside him on the low path by the ponds at the Swains Lane end of Hampstead Heath.

Those little grey mushrooms tasted better than anything you've ever brought back from Tescos, they were like really delish.

As we proceeded along, dodging the dog pile hurdles every 20 ft, the oncoming people laughing and smiling and going " Ahhhhhhh isn't he cute " yaaawn, as per usual, I began to feel a little funny. As my cat fish eye lens peepers roved the sky reacting to peripheral glimpses of flitting starlings and crows ( the old cat instinct part of the brain doesn't give up easily ), the scudding clouds assumed odd shapes, like huge crouching tigers with extended claws. And like the creepy craggy sweaty faces of some of the animal lab guys. The sky itself in fact, assumed a pink rather than blue hue. Yeah, like this background here on the blog page.

Ok, I thought. OK, so my change from cat to cat plus through the human DNA implants is shifting up another gear. Another metamorphosis here I come.

" Come Cathead, stop skulking along like that", keeper again had to pull me forward by the necky. I could feel my white fur belly brushing along the path. What the hell was I doing? Yowww, something weird was afoot there, definitely. For my Keeper assumed the form of an upright crocodile with elongated quick-snap jaws and armour plating of scales jutting on his neck.

I looked up unblinkingly at him from my low crouch.
He was staring down at me, then opened his mouth again to speak.
" Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Caaaaaaaaaaaat Heaaaaaaaaad Whaaaaaaaaaaaats wrooooooooong wiiiiiiiiiiiiith yoooooooooooou " in a very deep gruff tone, like some weird chanting Tibetan monk. "

He shook his head and stoooped to pick me up and walked, cradling me, away from the path and onto the field leading up to Kite Hill. Each step he took, I felt like I was on a bungee rope, dropping 10 metres and bouncing up again. Hold on tight Cathead, I thought, ride this thing out.

" Ohhhhhh juuuuuust taaaaaake a loooooooook at thaaaaaat wiiiiiiil yoooooooou CaaaaaatheaaaaD"
he seemed to drag on forever. I just about managed to swivel my very poorly cat head around, but what I staringly saw really did the trick in freaking me out and convinced me I'd lost my cat mind altogether.

Fear and panic gripped, the first thought was that I would never blog again, I would lose all my faithful friends, Dawny, Mr Chawky, DD, Rick, Ian, John HP, Biochy, spiritual Alexa, Janey Nickola, and many more. The old cotton socks paws came up over the eyes again.

The next thing I knew Keeper was bringing me round with a wet flannel to my cat head and both Buffy and Dingo were hovering over me, Dingo's big flaps of Dalmation pup ears fanning me with deep concern, Buffy gently licking my nose.
" Oh thank God you've come round Cathead, we thought we'd lost you for a while."
I looked about the lounge ~ the nightmarish special effects had gone.

Later, I played ball of wool tangles with Buffy, to get my super cat co-ordination back honed again. Such sweet innocent games. Sometimes I wish I was back a cat again. Life was much less complicated I tell you.

But that sight on the Heath that made me pass out with shock. I lived with the image stored in my feliney bonce for 2 days until I was finally released from the fear that I was going completely cat-rabid mad. Going through keepers digi files today on the PC confirmed to me the sometimes ultra cruel tricks of co-incidence that life can play on us all. Oh and yes sireee I'm sticking to keeper's Tesco bland of mushrooms in future.

Can you imagine a human DNA-doctored cat, tripping on majic mushrooms coming across this?
No need to imagine it, my dear dear friends - you heard the reality from the cat's mouth.

Anyway, call that art? they're having a laugh arn't they?
.
yours un-hallucigenified,

CATHEAD